||[Dec. 28th, 2004|10:54 pm]
Hello to whoever might be reading,
It's has been so long since my last entry and I guess that is a good thing since I feel most compelled to write in my times of distress. I have been on the boat in the midst of a storm and find myself in fear and distress. I know the Lord is there to calm the storm and perhaps give me a chance to walk on water. Yet, I curl up and hide away under a plank gripping at what my hands can reach to brace myself crying out for help in my time of need. There are moments when I know the Lord is there but, lately they do not last for long. I wonder how long it was before Peter actually got up and stepped out of the boat. I know so many focus on the fact that he took his eyes off Jesus and sank which I too have pondered still, my question now is where did he find the courage and strength to let go and let God. I know many many times I have been told to pick and choose my battles or all I have to do is let it go, give it to God.( Easier said than done I say) Yet, when I ask how did you do it, how is it you made it through your difficult times? Many responses I get back are so vague like read the Bible and Pray. Trust God. Still, I wonder what to read or what to pray and how to Trust God when it seems that I am not. Of course I read my Bible and Pray I try to trust God I go to church every servcie not just on Sundays and repent I pray Lord I give you everything that I am take all that is not of you and change me to be what you want me to be. So I ask what else can I do or pray or read? I often feel that it just doesn't work for me. Still I know that the Lord has touched me in a way that I can't go back to what I used to be but I don't know how to be who he made me to be. I feel so lost and tossed between striveing for whats right and running from my mistakes. I long for the Peace that the Word promises the Peace that surpasses all understanding.